Resolving Conflicts

We all face it in some form or another. Conflict. Our church is offering a six week study on conflict as part of the "Peacemakers" organization and this past Sunday, I decided to forgo my regular class and just step in for a Sunday to see if I could glean any helpful information for the next time I do find myself in a conflict. It was an amazing overview of the responses that we tend to have when conflict occurs and the knee jerk reactions we have vs the reactions that line up biblically with God''s ways. And the deal is they were right on to what I had experienced both in my own way of thinking when I was the retaliator as well as when I was the initiator.

But I figured that this lesson was a good one for any of us to pack away in our back pockets, so I am going to share with you some of the highlights. I don't know how to scan the graph that they gave us as a backdrop, but if you can imagine the circular arch of a half moon....and divide it into eight groups (just grab a pencil and make a rough sketch..the visual helps) ; starting left to right: Flight, Denial, Go Higher, Get Real, Gently Engage, Get Together, Blame and Assault. Then identify them in categories...and you will be able to identify the different responses that we tend to engage in.

1) Flight and Denial are regarded as Escape Responses
2) Go Higher, Get Real, Gently Engage, get Together are the Peacemaker Responses
3) Blame and Assault are the attack Responses.

It is said that the root desire of conflicts are the desires that lie within our hearts.
James 4:1 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from the desires that battle within you? You want something but do not get it!

The escape responses are all about running:
denial: pretending that a conflict does not exist or refuse to do what we should do to resolve it properly.
flight: Run away from the person we are having a conflict with. Flight is more than escaping it is not facing the problem.

The attack responses are all about winning.
blame: shifting responsibility away from ourselves
Assault: force of intimidation to try to make opponent give into demands

Four G's
Higher Ground is about Glorify God - How can I please and honor God
Get Real - Get the log out of your eye - examine own attitudes and actions, about giving a through and humble confession
Gently engaging others - taking responsibility for your own contribution is followed by respectfully and graciously helping others to see their contribution in the conflict
Get Together - focusing on restoring and preserving a relationship through forgiveness which leads to a lasting resolve of both personal and, material issues.

A First Great Step: Overlook IT.

Proverbs 19:11 A man's wisdom gives him patience, it is to his glory to overlook an offense.

We are "thin skinned" with how others treat us....oh but we are "thick-skinned" in how we treat others. A sign of maturity is to flip that around.

There certainly are conditions that make for exceptions to overlooking offenses,but for many of the offenses that we take so seriously and with great sensitivity they are not intentional, nor malicious acts of unkindness, or are habitual actions or words of disrespect, or disregard, but we jump them becasue we have been offended or allowed ourselves to be hurt and forget to look at how we ourselves have handled others and how we may have been the same kind of offender.

The slippery slope is when we choose to respond with escape or assault methods rather than to try to stick within the four g's of response.

There was so much more truth and guidance in the video and stories told that resonate with the everyday conflicts that we have but these were some of the specific things to watch out for, and be aware of when conflict does occur and we are responding. God does have a clear message of command for us and that is to be our foundation in how we are to treat others in Matthew 22:36-39. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and with all your mind". This is the first and greatest command. And the second is like it: "Love your neighbor as yourself."

The bible makes it abundantly clear that Jesus' desire and plan is for Christians to live in unity, loving one another and those around them. The answer is not just "try hard", for we can not muster up enough power to overlook or constantly stand on higher ground, that power comes from Jesus Christ who lives within us.

There is a spark, diversity, misunderstandings, selfish attitudes,
then gasoline, "cravings" being challenged or denied
then the fire, conflict arguing complaining anger bitterness

and then there is God's better way" to love and forgive others as God forgives you. It is in that acceptance of God's forgiveness that we unravel the forgiveness and love that we are to have for others.

I hope that maybe these thoughts have sparked within you a different take on how to respond to conflict. It sure did me when I heard these responses identified. I don't want to be the attacker or the runaway, but I know that the desire to live within the bounds of the four g's I have to have a generous supply of power, courage and desire that only God can help me to embrace. I am weak at the knees without it, and will resort to the need to win or the route to escape, both blatant attempts at a quick fix, but also both that may serve as temporary bandaids but never produce lasting results.

May God help each of us to depend on his power to resolve conflicts that we are faced with daily, and may he help us to accept his love and forgiveness as the groundwork for our ability to love and forgive others. Amen

Most of the above notes are taken from the Peacemaker Ministries guide to Resolving Everyday Conflicts!

Praise God wherever you are and whatever situation He has allowed you to be in . . . His glory will shine through!